Fillmore: Pilot
by marcen12
Summary: His first case
1. Chapter 1

Fillmore

Today's episode: The Slice

Act 1: Green Cum

At Principal's office, Principal, Fillmore and Ingrid are present.

**Principal: **Do you know why I called you both in here?

**Fillmore: **Because I refused to spoon you last night?

**Principal: **No. There's something in our school that I want you both to find. It's something I don't want anyone to see... it's a certain tape.

**Ingrid: **Is it that tape which kills anyone who watches it?

**Principal: **No. It's my sex tape.

**Fillmore: **How is that any different from the tape that Ingrid was just talking about?

**Principal: **It does kill people. Instead of a week, it's about a minute after they watch it.

**Ingrid: **Is that so?

**Principal: **If you have noticed, the death rates have been higher than usual at this school. Every time someone watches it, they jerk off too much and they die.

**Ingrid: **Does that explain why O'Farrell hasn't been here for two days?

**Principal: **Who cares? I never liked that fag anyway. Now go find that sex tape.

_Fillmore and Ingrid are outside the office._

**Fillmore: **A sex tape that kills people? Wasn't that called "A Night in Paris"?

**Ingrid: **I watched that sex tape. I should have died after seeing that garbage.

**Fillmore: **Was there anyone who survived watching that tape?

**Ingrid: **Well, there was that one girl that the principal told us about.

**Fillmore: **How come it wasn't mentioned in the beginning of this episode?

**Ingrid: **She's in the hospital on life support.

**Fillmore: **So she barely has enough seamen to survive.

**Ingrid: **Actually, she tried to do what Paris Hilton did in her sex tape and she got herpes.

**Fillmore: **Dawg.

**Ingrid: **But do you know what puzzles me more? That this fanfiction writer doesn't spell dog right.

**Fillmore: **This guy might as well be called Randy Jackson.

**Ingrid: **Here comes the fat boy.

Vallejo walks towards Fillmore and Ingrid, seemingly drunk

**Vallejo: **Hey, Lessmore. What's up, Second? What's the biznezz?

**Ingrid: **It's Fillmore and Third. The business is we are looking for a tape and...

**Vallejo: **A da da da da like this in the background. Don't tell me nothin' or I'll go Michael Richards on both of y'all.

**Ingrid: **(whispers to Fillmore) I never knew one cup of cocoa could do this to him.

**Fillmore: **I never knew drinking a cup of water could do this to someone. We will have to stage an intervention.

(READER'S NOTE: Next episode: The Intervention)

**Ingrid: **(to Fillmore) Let's go before he goes on vomiting on us.

In the hospital

**Ingrid: **Well, this is it. The hospital where the survivor is.

**Fillmore: **Ingrid. This isn't exactly the hospital that I was going for.

**Ingrid: **It's because it's not a hospital for the sick, it's a hospital for the mentally ill.

**Fillmore: **I never knew this tape could kill brain cells too.

**Ingrid: **Of course it could. Look at Bill Cosby or Tara Reid.

**Fillmore: **That may explain why they're so retarded. How about we leave before...

_A girl, 18, walks to Fillmore and Ingrid._

**Girl: **Are you Fillmore and Ingrid?

**Fillmore: **That's what it said before your line in this script.

**Girl: **My name is Haley and I've been scarred after watching that sex tape.


	2. Chapter 2

Act 2: Clear and Present Masturbation

**Fillmore: **Tell us everything you know about this tape.

**Haley: **It was horrible! (starts crying) Everything was wrong! She was so bad!

**Ingrid: **What made it bad?

**Haley: **(crying hysterically) The fact that Paris Hilton could have done a better job. It's like if they made a new Indiana Jones movie... WITH ALIENS!

**Ingrid: **(gasps and hugs Haley) There, there. Don't worry. It's over now. Our principal is a bitch and doesn't know what she doing at times. (to Fillmore) Fillmore! We have to stop that tape! The whole school, and the world, is depending on us! And you know what the Internet could do. If it hits a website... BAM!!! Armageddon.

**Fillmore: **Relax. The only thing that could make it worse is if they make a Toy Story 3.

**Haley: **(smiling) You're right. I mean, what dumbass would rape an amazing animated franchise by making a new Toy Story movie?

**Ingrid: **If they do, they should just kill themselves.

**Fillmore: **Haley. Do you know where the sex tape is?

**Haley: **Last time I saw it at someone's house, it was at some bitchy little pubescent girl's house.

At O'Farrell's house

**Fillmore: **Here we are at O'Farrell's house.

**Ingrid: **But why are there police in front of his yard?

There are police in front of the house and the parents of O'Farrell are crying. Fillmore and Ingrid sneak into the house and into O'Farrell's room. There they see their classmate's body. There is a gunshot wound to the head and there is blood everywhere. The television is on and there is a tape sticking out of the VCR.

**Fillmore: **He must have watched the sex tape so he Kurt Cobain'd himself.

**Ingrid: **(takes out cassette from VCR) Oh, that is not cool, Fillmore. You should be ashamed. Why can't you be more like David Caruso?

**Fillmore: **I don't want to be because my glasses can never come off.

**Ingrid: **Well, this isn't the sex tape. He wanted to kill himself slowly so he watched Dumb and Dumberer.

**Fillmore: **I knew he was depressed, but this is beyond God himself.

**Ingrid: **I bet you that even the Devil didn't want his soul by watching this.

**Fillmore: **If the tape isn't here, who would have it?

**Ingrid: **Someone who is extremely horny and has nothing better to do with his life.

**Fillmore: **Bender from Futurama?

**Ingrid: **No. Someone who is lonely at life...

**Fillmore: **Milhouse from The Simpsons?

**Ingrid: **NO!! Someone who thinks he's important but he's just there to fill up wasted space....

**Fillmore: **Bobby Lee from Mad TV?

**Ingrid: **Someone with no time on his or her hands...

**Fillmore: **One of the members of ?

**Ingrid: **Close. Someone who smells like masturbation...

At Vallejo's office

**Vallejo: **(watching t v) I used to think that jacking off to Mariah Carey videos would give me pleasure. Now it's become boring and repetitive. There's got to be something new... (goes into a drawer which contains Asian porn, magazines, cocaine, episode 3 of Fillmore: The Intervention (even though it hasn't even been created yet) and an unmarked tape, which Vallejo happens to pick up) Hello? What do we have here? (tries to put cassette into DVD player) Dammit. This is going to take a while.

Back to Fillmore and Ingrid.

**Ingrid: **Someone who doesn't care about people...

**Fillmore: **Bender from Futurama!

**Ingrid: **Oh, Jesus. This is going to take a while.

**READER'S NOTE: **Will they find out who has the sex tape? Will they reach there in time? Will Vallejo ever find out how to put a cassette in a DVD player? Will the reader get a life and go outside? We will have the answers to these questions...


	3. Chapter 3

...right now.

Act 3: Sex Pistols and the Squirts

**Fillmore: **Vallejo!

**Ingrid: **No... wait. Maybe. He does fit the chronic masturbation point. Let's go see him before it's too late.

**Fillmore: **It probably is. So let's just wait here. I never liked that turd anyway. He always threatens to take away my badge even though he never does. If anything, he should be kicked off the force.

**Ingrid: **Should we go see his dead body?

**Fillmore: **Let's bounce.

At Vallejo's office

**Vallejo: **How am I ever going to watch this tape if it won't get into the DVD player? Oh. I'm such an idiot.

_Fillmore and Ingrid go into the office._

**Fillmore: **(disappointed) Crap. He's not dead. I've never been so disappointed in my life.

**Ingrid: **What about the time your father left your family?

**Fillmore: **No, this is worse. I'm just glad that people don't make me a stereotypical black person.

**Vallejo: **Fillmore? Is that you? You're black, right? Can you go and steal a video cassette player? It's your peoples specialty to steal stuff.

**Fillmore: **Then again, there is always that one person.

**Vallejo: **If you steal the VHS player, I'll give you some chicken and waffles.

**Ingrid: **There's the killer tape?

**Vallejo: **(confused) Which killer tape? (looks at the tape in his hands) Is this the killer tape from the movie or is it "A Night In Paris"?

**Fillmore: **It's the principal's sex tape.

**Vallejo: **(screams) OH MY GOD! IS THAT THE TAPE THAT CAUSED 120 DEATHS IN THIS SCHOOL! I GOTTA GO VACCINATE MY HANDS! I FEEL SO... UHHH!!! HOW COULD I EVER COME BACK FROM TOUCHING THE DIRTY FORBIDDEN TAPE?!

**Ingrid: **O'Farrell is dead.

**Vallejo: **(gives back to the tape to Fillmore) Well, at least that tape did something good for once. Now, if you guys will excuse me, I need some alone time. By the way, how did you know the sex tape was here?

**Fillmore: **Dawg. You should have read the script. There it is on your desk.

_Ingrid and Fillmore exit the office._

**Vallejo: **(mutters to himself) I read the script, those pieces of... (takes out script from back pocket and starts reading it) CHRONIC MASTURBATOR! I'M GOING TO KILL THIS FANFICTION WRITER! YOU HEAR THAT, MARCEN12!? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! I WILL...

(**Reader's Note: **Don't worry. The guy is drunk. Next episode, he won't remember a thing.)

At the Principal's office

**Principal:** Thank you for finding my dirty deed. I've missed it. Now, I'm going to watch it.

**Fillmore: **Do you really want to kill yourself?

**Principal: **The tape doesn't affect me so I can watch it anytime. Now, I can see what I was doing wrong the first time.

**Ingrid: **One more question. Who did you have sex with?

**Principal: **Kenny Rodgers. Who the hell do you think it is?

**Fillmore and Ingrid: **O'Farrell.

**Principal: **He was terrible at sex. I told him myself. He was so depressed but he couldn't tell anyone why. He was so depressed that one day, he snapped and shot himself.

**Fillmore: **I thought he died watching the crappy movie?

**Principal: **Who cares what you think, you colored turd. Now, get out of my office. I have some masturbation to catch up to.

Outside the Prinicipal's office

**Fillmore: **If I didn't know better, I'd say she's racist.

**Ingrid: **One day, we will find that out.

**Fillmore: **So, what now?

**Ingrid: **How about we get wild?

**Fillmore: **Your place. After school. Bring a thong.

**BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!**

**(Reader's Note: **Do you have an erection yet? No? Then it's just me!)


End file.
